Finding Bones and Catching Boners...

So I'm losing weight y'all...and I'm finding bones in places I never knew existed! (Get your mind out the gutter, because I have yet to find one in my dusty old catbox.) But almost every other week I'm feeling shit, like, "Hey is that a rib?"..."What's this, a clavicle?"..."Dare I say it, a jaw bone?"

See, the thing is I've never been skinny/thin/Mary Kate Olsen. Hell, I'm not even close to skinny now, but I had been eating my fair share of Krispy Kremes, Moe's burritos, and a few Cinnabuns over the past few years....mmmm. And well yeah, I got fat! Super fat!! And though I might have still been smaller than some....well put it this way I'm only 5'2 and I put on about a quarter of my weight in the span of like two years. No babies, or secret abortions were to blame....just a straight up love to eat deeeeee-lishis shit. Sue me!!

Anyhow, before I came to Japan I had already lost about 30 of the fifty pounds (yeah I said it...Hawaii 5-frickin'-0 lbs!) that I put on. And I figured I'd lose some more weight once I got here because I was a little apprehensive about the food seeing as how, I didn't know nathan' 'bout it....and I wasn't all that much diggin' on the fish (raw or otherwise) before I got here. But I got over that, started eating kinda decently, and started shedding poundage.

So before I knew it, I could feel the upper part of my rib cage. Really?!? I got one of those too!? You don't say! Then another day a few months later, I shrugged while looking over my shoulder, and OUCH! Something straight shanked me in the jaw. What praytell was that?! I ran to the mirror, and sure enough, there they were collar bones, with the bare etchings of hollows coming through. But wait (!!!!) AND shoulders too! Not just rounded mounds of flesh?! Actual shoulders. Crazy talk! And then there's my jaw...I have one again! Got rid of at least two chins...that's right playa...what'chu know 'bout it?

My new discovery is this bone on the side of my body, kinda right up under my armpit, where one of my back rolls have receded. I don't know what that bone is, but I kinda creeps me out, because it moves when I move my arm a certain way, and I'm not used to all that. I like losing the weight, but there are some draw backs, like excess skin and losing fat in places you want it kept like my boobies :*( And besides, I'm not trying to get all crazy skinny like:



or



or



or



...wait, I take that back...I never realized how damn swole Skeletor really is...so in that case I don't want to end up like this:

**shudders, mommy I'm scuuuuuuuuured!!**

So I'mma stick to the safe side of "thin"...still gotta have some meat on me mang...I'm still a "big guhl" at heart. And, you don't want me to get all hella conceited on yo' ass, does ya?! Oh no, we don't...don't need another Mariah Carey in the world who at the backdoor of 40, still ain't got no shame, flauntin' all that she couldn't have/didn't have prior to the age twenty-five. So I'mma stay humble like Jesus.

Nonetheless, I still got a few more pounds to lose, before I consider myself tight and right...I just gotta up the ante on my workout regimen (meaning I actually gotta start one), and I found just the right machine to help me too! Leave it to the old inventive ass Japanese folks to think of everything. Yeah, check this shit out...




...it's the Bronco Pro, that tones your abs, your ass, your thighs, pelvic muscles, your arms...............AND lets you catch a quick O all at the same time!!! Now tell me you don't wanna hop on this thing and get to masturba----....err...I mean mastering the art of losing weight.

Oh yeah, baby....giddyap!