NBA: Now Brings Antichrists...(together)

...and were do antichrists convene you ask?

Why, in hell of course!! More specifically Miami, and ironically on team appropriately named, the HEAT. (excuse me while I evilly laugh....muwahhh-haaaa-haaaa-haaaa!!)

I kid, I kid. Nothing's a done deal, and everything seems to be amounting to hearsay begot by one Stephen A. Smith, but the word on the skreetz, and in the blogosphere is that there is a Cerberus heading here to SoBe, and its three heads are named Wade, Bosh & LBJ. Scary business for every outside of South Florida fandom.

Call me a skeptic, but I doubt it will happen, and honestly I prefer to doubt, that way there's no way I can be disappointed if this deal doesn't go through. And frankly, I don't know if I'm all too keen about James coming here with his bad acne sportsmanship trying to be the "King" in Wade's house anyway. I've never been a fan despite his talent, mostly because the media loooooves to suck, savor, and have long discussions about the salt content of his nut sacks. And also because there a big part of me that wants to keep seeing him futilely try to do it on his own, inspite of all the help they try to put around him. (Wade won a ring with aging stars, carried the team, and STILL has to prove himself. Lebron has won nothing, and is the next coming of Jesus. Yeah, I don't care for the guy.) Some call it hate, I call it schadenfreude. (To-may-to/To-mah-to).

But, boy if this deal does go through...Heat haters watch out! You'll have more people jumping on that already loaded bandwagon, which happens to contain some of the Heat's very own Miami-natives. Just scroll through a lot of blogs and you see them out en force. Let's view each breed of crybaby.

1) First, you got the standard Lakers babies, who are so arrogant to think their shit don't stank, and their rapes get swept under rugs with a championship or two or five. Laker fans are posturing, and puffing out their chests trying to avoid appearing scared of this notion that the all three superstars could reside on one squad, and topple their beloved team. (Side note: I've realized, that it's not so much that I hate the Lakers themselves as a team--except Pau Gasol and his fish face. Don't get me wrong, I don't like them, but I don't HATE them, only hate <---small caps. What I REALLY HATE are their fans!)

2) Then you have the others that want to liken Pat Riley's business savvy as being akin to the baseball managers who "buy" their championships (see: New York Yankees). In fact, these people are just upset because their teams either didn't have the money or the cojones to attempt it first. (see: Cleveland fans, Knicks fans, Chicago fans, Nets fans) They may have tried to lure one ('Bron) or two ('Bron & Bosh), but ALL THREE?? That's ballsy, Riley...ball-sy!

3) And then you have haters, who just hate because they know that there's the potential for Heat domination for years to come, a la 90's Bulls, and that doesn't bode well for their team's situation. (see: the rest of the Eastern Conference) I would fall into this category should the Heat fail to land Bosh & LeBron, and they both go to some other team and succeed.

Anyhow, in reality, this is all hypothetics, and none of this could come to fruition. And in my humble opinion, I say just shoot for Bosh, re-sign Wade and everything will fall into place. Let the Queen stay there with his mind-games of, will he/won't he/where will he. I'd hate for the Heat to have all that talent, just for us to turn into the 2004 Lakers stacked with Kobe, Shaq, Malone, Gary P., and I'll throw in Rick Fox who's S-curl, sadly (only for The Mailman & The Glove) couldn't gel and motivate the squad to a championship ring. Hey, a curl can only do so much. :-/

Tomorrow is the "D-day" and the sports news channels, blogs, and radio folk will all continue to hypothesize and theorize as to who goes where, and what impact it'll have on the NBA of tomorrow. But they all know they don't want this triumvirate to transpire...

If only they both could lose...

...but there's one category in which they both could win: ugliness!!

(Here's hoping my future-kids don't turn into hideous goblins on account of their evil mother's harshly judging eyes)

I'm here watching the NBA Finals between The Fakers and the Cry Babies Celtics, and I can't help but notice how much I'm having a hard time finding some eye-candy.

Side note: those (zero) of you that actually read this and/or those of you who know me personally knows that a) I'm a real sports fan who actually watches & understands the game, so I'm not just being a superficial observer, and b) it's been a while since I last blogged, and since then I've gotten into a relationship (yay me!) and I don't need any more eye-candy than my boo, nonetheless...sue me; I still like to peruse the men-folk on tv. ;)

Back to the subject at hand...yes, amongst the two teams a good percentage (I'd say about 85-90% comfortably) have faces that I don't even think their mothers' could love.

Except maybe Ray Allen's mom, being as he looks just like her.



(haha, j/k!) Errrrrrm, not really, but Ray is kinda eh a'ight (especially as Jesus Shuttlesworth)...just not when he's chewing gum, and sneering like something stinks. Not a good look Ray. Not a good look.



But disporportionately there's just not a lot of good looks on either team, let's take a sampling of the worst:

Ron Artest: He's got that crazy eye...he'll choke a bitch (a la Sprewell) or fight a bitch (a la, well...himself)



Pau Gasol: dead fish head. Close your mouth bruh!

This one + The other one

= this :(



Kevin Garnett: (just see pic) and I actually chose a "decent one"



Kendrick Perkins: if you think Ron-Ron would snap, or Ray-Ray could sneer...this guy tops them both...I think he was voted least likely to receive the "Little Miss Sunshine" Award. In fact, I do believe this is a rare picture of his happy face:



Rasheed Wallace: brought his cry-baby, ugly face from Detroit; it's most evident when he gets fouled, and followed with one word, two letters, one syllable which 'Sheed lengthens for full dramatic effect...

ME-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?!?!


Kobe: he's sad...let's move on.


And let's end with this scary mostrosity they actually call "Baby"...Big Baby to be exact. And should my baby ever come out looking like this, making that face, please, PLEASE, someone call an exorcist: