Like An Albino Alligator...

...or



I'm fucking pale!! I don't think I've ever been this light-skinded ever in my life. It's so bad that my boobs are the same color as my face. Worse yet, no one can "gimme five on the black hand side," because they wouldn't be able to tell which side it is!!

Where's my summer sun, dammit?? I need my Brazilian glow back! Not this "gecko-esque" look that me (and my homegirl) are currently sportin'...

Who can resist a man wearing Kitty-chan (Hello Kitty) paraphernalia?!?!

Surely not I!!





You're telling me that you aren't able to see all that fine, manliness that's lurking just behind the Kitty-Chan surgical mask, beckoning you with those dreamy eyes?!?! Really? Not even if you squint real hard, and tilt your head 45 degrees to the left?? No??


This is one topic that I've been wanting to spill all about...the men in Japan. I read somewhere (like on some serious legit shit...not just foolishness I made up to create "facts") that Japanese women were the mostly likely of all races to date outside their own, yet Japanese men were the most likely not to. Hmmmm....now what does that say about Japanese men? More for me!! (once I can convince a few of them to see the deliciousness that is my caramel ass right here)...**lickin' my chops, and furiously rubbing my hands together, while trying to stifle back a mischievous cackle**

Okay, no for real, I can understand why Nihon-jin (Japanese guys from Japan) guys get no love...it's because, frankly put, they look like girls. **Think I'm joking, take a look at my exhibits below. And since they already "allegedly" ain't working with much (if y'know what I mean or what ya girl Condi means) it's easy for them to be mistaken for one. And I for one, ain't tryna pretend that I'm bumpin' coochies with another girl....uh-unhh! (weeeeeeell, unless that coochie is attached to Salma Hayek...then maybe I'll have to make an exception...j/k...I'm still strickly dickly!)

Anyhow, though I'm getting used to the "androgynous" look of these "guys" I can't say that I don't continuously find myself shocked by the level of comfort of their feminine side. And you too can be surprised!



Ex. #1: Popular J-Pop "boy band" Smap!





Ex. #2: Some "dude"



Ex. #3: Some girly man in Harajuku

Ex. #4: A girly man-band in Harajuku

Ex. #5: A devoted "boifurendo" carrying his girlfriends purse, and wearing complimentary Disney hairclips at Tokyo Disneyland



Ex. #6: The Hello Kitty house shoes (the black ones near the open door), last seen worn by a guy entering my local 7-11 (I kid you not!)


Oh, but there's so much more!! I'll have to re-up this post with more field photography...keep checking back...

Procrastination mixed with Hesitation is the work of the Devil!!

Yeah so I've slacked off...so I'm appologizing to my dozen (okay more like donut holes) readers out there...y'all know who you are!

I just be overthinking this blog-shit sometimes, and I don't know if I really wanna write what I'm thinking because I have a hard time making things short and sweet. And I'm only a bit of a perfectionist when I write, and I read, and re-read, and edit and re-edit, until it's the perfect part witty and smart. (<---I'm sure I'll re-read and edit what I just wrote in a few hours anyway). So needless to say I haven't posted diddly-squat. So, I'm jumping back on that Rodeo-Pro (man I wish I had one for real!!) and I'mma get to typing out some mo' fun reads for ya!! Gomenasai!!! (Japanese-speak for "I'm sorry!")

There's No Place Like Home...There's No Place Like Home...

Okay so I'll throw my two yen into this on-going debate, because it's super imperative. It's been known to tear apart friendships, cause sleepless nights, and divide a nation of people. No, I'm not talking about Obama vs. Clinton. Uh-uh, that's an important topic for real journalists and serious bloggers to tackle on another day. Today, it's another unspeakable "war", one in which eventually you have to take sides:



vs.



Oh, yes my friends....right now your minds are already turning...you're already drawing your lines in the sand, daring your friends with sideways glances to toe the other side...are you with me, or are you against me.....or are you just one of those losers who proclaim ignorance of either, so you remain like Switzerland planted firmly in the middle surfing wikipedia or watching videos on youtube?

First off know that I'm a member of both of these websites, but my loyalty lies firmly with one of them. I don't know if that is an indication that I typify the stereotype that goes along with identifying with that site. But know that there are stereotypes on both sides. Very Republican/Democratic-esque.

Fuck it...I'll come out and say it because you'll see my bias in a minute anyhow, so ain't no use denying my red-headed cousin with the lazy eye. I'm a MYSPACER....4 LYFE!!

Fact of the matter is, I really can't stand facebook sometimes. And it all stems from their uppity, 'wannabe' exclusivity. Yeah, once upon a time, even before I discovered myspace, I was a facebook reject. I found out about the shit all hella late (like the last scragglers at a frat party, tryna get in before all the hunch punch runs out). And just like anytime they're giving away free alcohol, I wanted ins! Unfortunately, I was about seven months removed from serving time at FSU, and since student emails get cut off six months out, I no longer had the neon colored "wristband" to get in on the goods. After a few futile attempts to re-establish my FSU account, and prove that in fact I did attend college AND graduated, facebook just kept slapping me in the face with a "HELL-TO-THE-NAW"!

So, I shot 'em the bird, told them to fuck off because I didn't want no part of they stankin' ass party no way....likka's prolly all watered down anyway, and y'all be doing the same tired dances, so I'm scraaaight. (Alright dammit I was really pissed off, sad like, 'Why y'all don't want me?', but hey what could I do?)

Run straight into the open arms of myspace, is what I did. They didn't judge me based on whether or not I'd attended college or any of that nonsense. They liked me for who I was, for what I brought to the table...they didn't just like my doggystyle! I had friends y'all...a top 12 (all the old heads remember that you couldn't get more than that)! I could customize my page and freely stalk...ummm....err....browse people's profiles. Myspace was growing, Tom was inching in on his first trillion friends, and frankly myspace was taking over...making people lose sleep, neglect their children, and lose their jobs! It was an amazing time...*sigh*...nostalgia...or as the Japanese say "natsukashi".

That is.....until those people over there at facebook (who are those 'people' anyway??...at least Tom's gotta face) realized that nobody cared about their bougie site, and started to relax their criteria for admission. Yeah, they came back to me, with their tails between their legs begging me to give them another chance. "Please come back," they said. "We're sorry. We've made a huge mistake. Boo-hoo-hoo!" So I had to tell them, though not quite as eloquently as Whitney, to kiss my ass!

And I stayed anti-facebook for a HAWT minute...until I came to Japan, and I found myself in a land with no friends. And the friends that I did try to acquire were on that other side of this political divide........*gasp*......they were facebookers! So I reluctantly crossed over into enemy territory to keep in touch with these people, who despite this affliction, I actually liked. And slowly, I started conforming to the ways of this new site...and I shudder at the thought....started liking facebook. Hey, it was a new affair, and I felt dirty for liking it...I was cheating on my husband with the hot guy from college that rejected me....initially it was wrong...but yet oh, so right....until....

...I finally woke up out of that stupor, and starting noticing all the little nagging things that I just couldn't get past. Like, why e'rrybody and they mama gotta know that I was talkikn' shit on s0-and-so's page, or posted some crazy comment on someone's pic....stay out my bidnaz mang!! Or why they gotta make it so hard to look at people's profiles? How do you expect me to make random friends?? Hell, I can't even search for old classmates (that I don't all too much care about) because I'm not in the damn FSU network because I STILL don't have an FSU account. Or, why when I wanna try out some new survey or application, I gotta add that shit to my page first?? I don't need a 1001 applications to my already boring ass page. AND THEN on top of that, why you tryna Jehovah Witness me into harassing my friends to add applications, just so I can access the one I just added?!? 'The fucks up with that?? AND, AND, AND why, oh why, must one need a regular wall and a 'Super Wall'....is one wall not enough?!?

All I know is I've had enough...facebook's too full of themselves. Just like a bunch of uppity Republicans, that think they're better than everybody because they're all "edu-macated" and stuff. And, Lawd knows I don't care for no republicans (save for my mama, and a few of the misguided Nicaraguans who still vote republican for some reason).

Sure, myspace is more "Democratic": accepting the less desirables like pedophiles, welfare mamas, 10-year old chicken heads, and my ex-boyfriend, but dammit, when you add up the sum of all it's parts, it's all about the people....and that's where I call home. Gimme my bulletins, gimme my layouts, gimme the browse button with customizing features, and most importantly (gimme $2) gimme comments that "Show Me Some Love".

Finding Bones and Catching Boners...

So I'm losing weight y'all...and I'm finding bones in places I never knew existed! (Get your mind out the gutter, because I have yet to find one in my dusty old catbox.) But almost every other week I'm feeling shit, like, "Hey is that a rib?"..."What's this, a clavicle?"..."Dare I say it, a jaw bone?"

See, the thing is I've never been skinny/thin/Mary Kate Olsen. Hell, I'm not even close to skinny now, but I had been eating my fair share of Krispy Kremes, Moe's burritos, and a few Cinnabuns over the past few years....mmmm. And well yeah, I got fat! Super fat!! And though I might have still been smaller than some....well put it this way I'm only 5'2 and I put on about a quarter of my weight in the span of like two years. No babies, or secret abortions were to blame....just a straight up love to eat deeeeee-lishis shit. Sue me!!

Anyhow, before I came to Japan I had already lost about 30 of the fifty pounds (yeah I said it...Hawaii 5-frickin'-0 lbs!) that I put on. And I figured I'd lose some more weight once I got here because I was a little apprehensive about the food seeing as how, I didn't know nathan' 'bout it....and I wasn't all that much diggin' on the fish (raw or otherwise) before I got here. But I got over that, started eating kinda decently, and started shedding poundage.

So before I knew it, I could feel the upper part of my rib cage. Really?!? I got one of those too!? You don't say! Then another day a few months later, I shrugged while looking over my shoulder, and OUCH! Something straight shanked me in the jaw. What praytell was that?! I ran to the mirror, and sure enough, there they were collar bones, with the bare etchings of hollows coming through. But wait (!!!!) AND shoulders too! Not just rounded mounds of flesh?! Actual shoulders. Crazy talk! And then there's my jaw...I have one again! Got rid of at least two chins...that's right playa...what'chu know 'bout it?

My new discovery is this bone on the side of my body, kinda right up under my armpit, where one of my back rolls have receded. I don't know what that bone is, but I kinda creeps me out, because it moves when I move my arm a certain way, and I'm not used to all that. I like losing the weight, but there are some draw backs, like excess skin and losing fat in places you want it kept like my boobies :*( And besides, I'm not trying to get all crazy skinny like:



or



or



or



...wait, I take that back...I never realized how damn swole Skeletor really is...so in that case I don't want to end up like this:

**shudders, mommy I'm scuuuuuuuuured!!**

So I'mma stick to the safe side of "thin"...still gotta have some meat on me mang...I'm still a "big guhl" at heart. And, you don't want me to get all hella conceited on yo' ass, does ya?! Oh no, we don't...don't need another Mariah Carey in the world who at the backdoor of 40, still ain't got no shame, flauntin' all that she couldn't have/didn't have prior to the age twenty-five. So I'mma stay humble like Jesus.

Nonetheless, I still got a few more pounds to lose, before I consider myself tight and right...I just gotta up the ante on my workout regimen (meaning I actually gotta start one), and I found just the right machine to help me too! Leave it to the old inventive ass Japanese folks to think of everything. Yeah, check this shit out...




...it's the Bronco Pro, that tones your abs, your ass, your thighs, pelvic muscles, your arms...............AND lets you catch a quick O all at the same time!!! Now tell me you don't wanna hop on this thing and get to masturba----....err...I mean mastering the art of losing weight.

Oh yeah, baby....giddyap!

New Yorkers Ain't So Cracked Out Afterall...

So this morning, I ran out to the "konbini" (that's 7-11 in Japanese speak) to get some milk...and guess what I wore?? No, not my hoochie house shorts that say NOLES across the backside, which sags pathetically since I practically have no ass. I wore jeans, sneakers, and the thinnest long sleeve shirt ever!!!

"Why the hell should I care?", you ask. Well that's because here in Iwaki, it's frickin' 56 degrees and it's a BEAUTIFUL day!! "Whooptie, fuckin' do!", you say. But wait, allow me to explain...

For the past four months, I've been bundled up anytime I decided to leave the comforts of my warm, $200-a-month heated, apartment. I'm talking about, undergarments, wife beater, three layers of sweaters, tights, thick socks, shoes, a scarf or two, gloves, ear muffs and a winter coat. Mind you Iwaki, has pretty "mild" winters compared to other cities in Japan, so it never really got below 20 degrees. But being as I was born and raised in Dade (305 baby stand up!!!), anything below 70 degrees back home would've caused me to duplicate the outfit above post-haste. No joke!!

Have you ever seen what happens when a cold-front passes through Miami?? People plum lose their minds! Everybody's out and about looking like fucked-up Halloween characters dress in any layer they could find. Looking like,

This:



Or this:


Or even this:



Anyhow, so the fact that I could walk outside without my usual 50 pounds of clothes is quite an achievement. The odd thing, though is that I found myself finally able to understand those crazy "snow birds" from New York that used to migrate to Miami every winter.

I would seriously wonder aloud, why in the HELL they would walk around in shorts and a t-shirt like it wasn't damn cold. I mean 65 degrees...you can catch pneumonia! But after having spent my first real winter in Japan, that shit makes sense. Sixty-five ain't bad...it's beautiful! Dammit invert the numbers and you got the perfect 56 degrees it was here today, and I was friggin' ecstatic. So I get it now. New Yorkers, you ain't on crack, you're just finally warm. I see you...we here **doing the Martin eye point"



...just not when it comes to sports and thangs like that...nah'meen son!

Gonna Have to Face It...I'm Addicted to Blogs...

Cheesy, I know...*I hang my head in shame*

But for real, my reason for wanting my own blog, yet procrastinating about it, all stems from my love (read: green-eyed envy) of other people's blogs...call it "blog-envy" or "blogenvy" <----add that funky looking word to your book, Webster! Seriously, I really admire the wittiness and witticisms of the blogs that I've been privy to know. My recent mania all started with http://www.princessmelissa.com, the blog of Melissa Howard from the Real World New Orleans and her post-fame life. This heffa is funny!! Funny like, "Heffa, do you wanna be my friend, and let's roll out crackin' on everybody and they mama because you and I go together like chitlins & grits?!?", kinda funny. (I don't know what the fuck that all means, just roll with it ppl)...anyhow, trust me she's funny. I seriously read her shit from top to bottom (or bottom to top going chronologically from the beginning) over the course of two weeks, during the times when work didn't get in the way of my life....*gosh I miss cubicle jobs for the computer/time-stealing-from-DA MAN-fuckery, that once, just about resulted in my dismissal...oh the shame*...but I digress...I love her blog!

Another, comes from my very own online buddy JzyPhat...I'll forever reference her as such, because that's the name that I first knew her as...anyhow, this bitch here, scraaaaaaaaaaaight be spewing off at the mouf!! Hell no need for ab-crunches, the "belly holding, side-aching, I wanna slap this heffa for making me laugh at some shit, that'll send me to hell, to sit on the right side of Lucifer", laughing will have my gut looking like Janet's, pre-Dupri! She just recently got her blog off and poppin' but I'm digging it like the cheese up my ass...yessir! Check her out at http://savvyfatty.blogspot.com/

So those two, along with so many others have made me want to join this "not-so-exclusive-but-I'll-say-it's-exclusive-so-I can-sound-like-VIPs" club of bloggers. Yet, I do so hesitantly because I have inadequacy issues when it comes to my writing, because I never think it's as funny or as witty or as intelligent as everyone else's whose writing I admire. I always feel like I'm the new mommy who knows her baby kinda ugly, and keeps making excuses not to attend the play dates with all the other pretty babies. I just know I'll get the sympathetic stares, and the empty reassuring words about how beautiful he is. But as soon as I leave the joint, they'll all get together, and say like Shug Avery, "Dat baby sho' iiiiiis uuuuuuuuuglaaaay!" *tears-silent-tears*

But anyhoo, I wanna share my baby with the world, flaws and all!! So sue me! (Please don't, I ain't got no money)

Anyhow, here are a list of some of the "pretty babies" that keep me inspired to think that one day my little Quasimodo can grow up to be Jay-Z (y'know, how Joe Camel was able to pull that magic trick, getting people to believe he's the flyest thing since Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka):

http://www.daitime.com/ (My girl Daisha bringing you some crazy shit from Japan, check her out!)
http://fourfour.typepad.com/
http://stuffeducatedblackpeoplelike.wordpress.com/
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
Perez Hilton and his foolishness

...there's so much more, but I can't be hyping up the winners in this race in which I'm currently in last place...I'm just a turtle tryna catch up!

I'm the Alpha and the Omega, and a whole lotta shit talking in between...

Okay this is my first post...and honestly I don't have shit to say, but this blog has been a long time coming.

I kept thinking that I'd have something profound or poetic to write one day, but I couldn't find the inspiration. And like the procrastinator that I am, I waited, and waited, and dillied, and dallied until, I finally gave in and created a damn blog. Hell I didn't even use the one that comes with a free sample of perfume on myspace. But now, I bit the bullet and blown off my head, and spewing forth will come all the crazy thoughts that leak from my mind on a daily basis. Like, why it gotta be some other heffa named "Kimberly" that's all up under my man Reggie Bush?? Or, how is it that Japanese girls in Japan be walkin' like they have rickets?? Y'know crucial topics like that, that you're dying to hear my opinion on.

Well, know that there's more where that came from...that hasn't even scratched the surface of the bra-rash that I have....so don't worry I'll be back, like Herpes Simplex II, and get all up under your skin...

Happy itching!